Office of Admissions

A New Chapter

How parents fit into their students’ lives at college

You’ve been through quite a few life chapters with your son or daughter so far. From first steps to first loves, no one knows those experiences quite like you. It’s now time to flip the page and embark upon a brand new chapter... the college years.

Transition Time

Transitions can be tough. Whether your child is leaving for school or living at home while attending classes, it’s an adjustment for everyone involved.

Emotions are bound to be mixed. For many parents, the “I want them to stay forever young” feelings often do battle with the “Yes, they really need to grow up and go to school now” thoughts. That’s completely natural. This person, whether an angel or a challenge, is part of your life. And that doesn’t have to change.

What will change is the frequency of your communication and the nature of that communication. You won’t be able to see every part of your student’s life. You’ll need to trust her instincts and the positive values you instilled in her. This trust is key to making the college transition work for both of you.

A student who feels trusted by his parents:

  • Has more self-confidence
  • Can stand up for what he believes
  • Knows he has support back home.
  • Is better able to say “no” when the situation warrants

A student who feels mistrusted by her parents:

  • May defy authority because it’s expected of her
  • Won’t communicate about what’s happening at college
  • Will look to others, some who will be good influences and others who won’t be, to fill that void
  • Will keep secrets that could be harmful

Ok, there’s all this talk about change. So, what stays the same?
Your student:

  • Needs you
  • Loves you
  • Respects your opinion
  • Is operating based on the values you instilled

An Evolving Relationship

Just because students head to college, it doesn’t mean that they are leaving you behind. They still need you and your wisdom, your counsel, and your love. They just need you in different ways now. For instance:

They need you to let go. It’s difficult for a student to start making his own life at college if his “old life” keeps pulling him back. So, let go to the extent that your conversations contain a balanced mixture of what’s happening on campus and what’s happening at home. And try not to do everything for your student either—the experience of figuring things out on his own can be a real strength-builder.

They need to be able to make mistakes. Part of exploring this newfound sense of independence involves the inevitable making of mistakes. A student who is terrified of “screwing up” in her parent’s eyes may not take positive risks such as tackling a new subject or trying out for a play. Students need support as they take risks. And risks most often lead to growth.

They need to know that you believe in them. As your student tries new things, expands his worldview and questions assumptions, his perspective may change. Successful students are able to experiment like this because, at the root of it all, they know that someone back home believes in them.

Interested Yet Not Intrusive

Just because your student is at school, it doesn’t mean that he no longer needs you to be involved in his life. It’s important for you to be involved—it’s actually quite essential to his success!

The key is being interested in what’s happening in his life without being too intrusive. Some ways to do  that are:

  • Make conversations less like quizzes, and more
  • Instead of always asking focusing on grades, ask your student what he is learning in class—that takes the pressure off and allows him to share exciting information
  • If your student mentions a new person’s name, just casually ask about that person (“So, Sam is a friend from…?”) rather than drilling for details
  • Don’t always ask where they were if they weren’t in when you called
  • Ask what they’re getting involved in and what interests them so far
  • Let them share their enthusiasm!


At the University of Oregon, We Treat Them As Adults

One of the best ways to support your student is by understanding the university’s role in her life. We’re not here to take over the parenting role—that’s solely up to you. We are here however, to help your student develop into a responsible, healthy adult.

Student Development

What is student development all about? In a nutshell: 

  • We provide opportunities for students to achieve competence in academic and non-academic arenas
  • We challenge them while also providing support
  • We teach them how to manage emotions, from anger to self-esteem and everything in between
  • We help them become autonomous so that they are no longer dependent but, rather, interdependent on others
  • We encourage them to determine who they really are on many levels
  • We support the development of positive relationships, including those with friends, partners and diverse individuals
  • We help students identify and pursue their purpose
  • We offer assistance as they develop their values and figure out what they stand for

Many members of the campus community are involved in the student development process on a daily basis. They include:

  • Faculty members
  • Orientation guides
  • Student leaders
  • Career services professionals
  • Campus counselors
  • Academic support services
  • Student activities staff
  • Campus military personnel
  • Residence life staff
  • Support staff
  • Coaches
  • Student affairs staff

....and many more! 

 

The Campus Approach

  • We make ourselves very available to students, during office hours and evening hours
  • We welcome students coming to us with a problem
  • We treat students as adults, getting them involved in solving their own problems instead of relying upon others to do it for them
  • We intervene if we become aware of potentially life-threatening behavior occurring
  • We respect students’ privacy yet don’t always promise confidentiality—we may need to get others involved in order to ensure their well-being
  • We don’t serve as “babysitters” for students
  • We are concerned with students’ safety so we educate them on ways to keep themselves and others safe
  • We are here to support students

Claiming Responsibility

Self-responsibility is one of the important things your student can learn at college. It may initially take some trial and error for the lessons to kick in but, once they do, your student will have learned a valuable fact: no one is responsible for your life but you.

We expect students to take responsibility for their own lives. For example, they are responsible for:

  • Their behavioral choices
  • Following the rules
  • Academic honesty
  • Personal integrity
  • Developing healthy study, eating, and sleep habits
  • Seeking academic assistance when needed
  • Being a positive member of the campus community

That’s why it’s not up to you to “fix” things when something happens. Many people are available to your student to help him right a wrong. As long as students take responsibility for their choices and actions, they’ll find support every step of the way.

FERPA Facts

The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) is a federal law designed to protect the privacy of a student’s educational records. It applies to school receiving funds through a U.S. Department of Education program.

Once a student turns 18, information from his student record cannot be shared with others—including parents—unless he gives written permission. The law does allow an institution to disclose records without consent in some special cases. These include health and safety emergencies.

You should receive FERPA information from us at some point. If you haven’t received anything yet, ask. We’ll be glad to oblige!

Involvement = Success

Studies say that students who are involved in campus life are more likely to stay in school. We believe that to be true, not because researchers tell us so, but because we’ve seen it!

When a student gets to campus, she is searching for a sense of belonging. So, she looks for peer groups for acceptance and camaraderie. Getting involved in a campus organization is a positive way for her to belong while taking up with a bad crowd—just because they “accept” her—isn’t.

If your student calls and says she’d like to join the campus programming board, try not to squelch her enthusiasm. She can focus on academics while participating in activities. Matter of fact, involved students tend to do better in school. So, encourage your student to get involved. You’ll be guiding her on the pathway to both curricular and extracurricular success.

Your Student’s Well Being

We all agree: your student’s well being is of utmost concern! We want him to flourish, to learn from mistakes, to experience triumphs, and to stay healthy. And there are ways you can help in these pursuits.

Wellness

Staying well can sometimes be a tall order for busy students. Yet, it’s vital to their success. So, consider:

  • Sending healthy snacks instead of junk food
  • Touting the benefits of good sleep
  • Encouraging community service and involvement
  • Suggesting simple ways to incorporate physical activity into their busy schedule
  • Taking emotional issues seriously and encouraging your student to talk to someone like a counselor, a Resident Assistant, an adviser or a campus minister

With your encouragement and support, students can stay well during their time at school.

Alcohol and Other Drugs

It’s possible that your student will be tempted to experiment with alcohol and other drugs during her college years. You can help her make wise choices by:

  • Talking openly about alcohol and other drugs
  • Empowering her to say “no”
  • Learning all you can about alcohol, “date rape drugs,” and other substances
  • Not glorifying your own “college drinking days”
  • Helping her learn from mistakes
  • Leaving the lines of communication open for mutually respectful, adult conversations rather that judgments

There are no guarantees that your student will always make the wisest choices when it comes to alcohol and other drugs. Yet, your efforts are bound to have an impact, whether big or small, recognized or unrecognized.

A Web of Support

Students who are struggling with various concerns can turn to:

Campus professionals are there because they truly want to work with college students and many have specific training to help them connect with this population. So, encourage your student to seek help rather than “toughing it out” alone. Asking for help is a sign of great strength—make sure your student knows that.

Academics

Ah, yes. The primary reason your student is at college is to learn. Be an academic supporter by:
 

  • Regularly asking what he is learning
  • Not always focusing on grades—talk about class content instead
  • Encouraging her to see academic assistance from a tutor, their advisor, a faculty member or academic support services if she’s having trouble—it’s not a sign of weakness!
  • Asking him to discuss class projects and papers with you
  • Encouraging her to get involved in academic life, either by doing extra credit, participating more in class or asking questions
  • Helping him figure out creative ways to balance work, social life, extracurricular activities and classes

Taking an interest in what your student is learning and how he is learning it can go a long way.

Finances

Some students are money-savvy while others struggle along. Encourage smart financial practices by:

· warning your student not to apply for every credit card offered—credit companies prey upon students!
· having him chip in to pay expenses rather than always relying on you
· setting spending limits if your student is using a credit card that you provided
· working together to set up a budget plan for the year
· warning her about frequent visits to the ATM
· encouraging him to keep an eye out for scholarship opportunities

Smart money management is a lifelong skill that will greatly benefit your student.

Personal Safety

The odds of staying safe vs. becoming a victim will fall more in your student’s favor if she makes some wise choices. For example:

  • Not walking alone in isolated areas
  • Never getting in a car with someone under the influence
  • Refusing to accept drinks from strangers (a drug could have been slipped in)
  • Keeping his room locked
  • Not storing valuables in her room
  • Not giving out personal information to people met online
  • Reporting any obscene phone calls right away
  • Avoiding being alone in isolated places
  • Never becoming so intoxicated that he loses his ability to keep himself safe

Share safety tips with your student and encourage her to keep her wits about her. Campuses can be very safe places, as long as students play it smart.

Preparing for a Bigger World

Your student’s world is going to become bigger as a result of her college experiences. The things she learns in class, the people she encounters, the experiences she has, the discussions she engages in--all can lead to greater understanding, acceptance and appreciation.

We want your student to become the best person she can be. A solid citizen. A compassionate friend. A critical thinker. An accepting individual. All of this and more is possible, with your assistance.

Role Modeling

Your student looks to you for an example. He will treat people a certain way and believe things about certain groups quite possibly as a result of your example. So, consider your role in shaping his beliefs.

Being Open to Diversity

Chances are that your student is going to be positively challenged by the new people she encounters on campus. The roommate with very different political views, the friend with a different religious background, the classmate from a different ethnicity…all will open your student’s eyes, if she is willing. Encourage this type of growth because a student who is open to diversity will experience the world much differently than one who is not.

Contributing to Community

It may start out as a stint with hall government. Then, your student may get involved in community services. Soon, he may be leading an organization or doing an internship with a group he believes in. Community involvement means different things for different people. What’s most important is that they just do something.

As your student prepares for a bigger world, it doesn’t mean that you will be left behind. Freedom, independence, self-sufficiency…these are all things that we wish for students. Yet, they’ll always need you. Allowing your relationship to evolve as your student dives into the college world requires compromise, flexibility and trust. With these tools at your side, the college experience can be a wonderful, eye-opening experience for both of you.

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